Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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