I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
