I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
