god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
