i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
