Just fell off a train. Bad.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
