im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Randomize
