I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
