Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
