i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
