I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
