i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
