If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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