I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
