you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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