Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
