you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
