I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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