Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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