He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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