I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
