my phone needs a breathalizer
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
