life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can I color on your dick again?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
