I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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