Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
