every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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