**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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