hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
