one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
