You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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