how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
