I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
should my penis look like a turkey
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
