i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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