my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
