Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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