Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
