he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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