i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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