Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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