I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
