Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
