My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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