And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
