I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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