My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
