im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
