Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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