I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
