So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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