the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
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Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
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sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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