So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
