I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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