I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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