I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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