She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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