Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
the gays at disneyland are vicious
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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