matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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