can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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