last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
