he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
