so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
smell my finger.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
