We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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