don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
